Tuesday, April 24, 2012

End of porn addiction: now real life begins?

Finished. After many years of treatment. I can't explain the treatment method. Too complex to explain. But without any chemical drugs or something. Now life begins?

No pleasure from porn anymore. Nothing. No quick fix for bad mood. Bad mood remains the bad mood. Tomorrow will be better. No love for my wife. Nothing. I need another woman. Real woman. Can't see porn anymore - no pleasure. It ended 2 months ago. I am stable. I look at porn sometimes, but no pleasure anymore. I want a real woman, but not my wife.

So, I will buy flowers to my psychologist next time I go there. The mission accomplished. It took 5 years of treatment. How it looks now? The real life begins. My kids grown up. Almost. The oldest child is 18. So, maybe I can separate from my wife? It's painful to even think about it.

Now, welcome to real life. In real life men meet women and try to impress them. Then they try to build a relationships. These are not mouse clicks. Love and relationships are much harder to sustain. Of course porn is easy solution.

Flowers to my psychologist. Now real life begins. It's so painful.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Something changed in my inner workings

Hi all. Something changed. Last Thursday I had very bad mood. It was a day after therapy session. I thought: it can't work, because it not addresses really important issues. My therapist just works on my brain to restore the lost functions. She doesn't work on my family situation, on my sex life, she didn't bother herself even to ask detailed questions on the important issues.

All these thoughts resulted in a kind of very depressed mood. Few hours later, it was event on my job, that did it even worse. I walked around in the city, after work, trying to calm myself. I called and met one of my friends, then I met second friend. We talked a lot, but I didn't calm down. Lately, at home, I just went to sleep, I felt so bad.

Next day, Friday I felt just OK, like nothing happened. We had closeness and sex with my wife, first time in 2 or 3 weeks. Then I did a lot of home work and repairs etc. Friday and Saturday I slept a lot.

Just today, Sunday, I realized what it was! This bad mood were withdrawal symptoms, but it passed without porn. I didn't want porn that day. The porn didn't even come to my mind that day.

Today I bought a beer, a smocked tune and the whole family watched DVD at evening. I sipped a beer, I gave sliced pieces of smocked tune to my kids and wife, everyone enjoyed. I don't even remember, when I last time enjoyed beer before! The porn replaced everything.

I don't know how it works, but I suppose it is because of therapy. Today was a great evening. Of course, the mind about porn came to me today's evening as well, but there were a lot of other good things around. I hope, it will continue at least as it goes now.

As I feel today, it is not about self-control, as I talked in my previous posts. It is about some inner change. I hope, it will continue.

Bioship_Pal, another fighting porn addict, found my blog and started his own here: self-treat.blogspot.com, welcome aboard.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

I continue with therapist

Just short update: I continue with therapist. She will tell me her prognosis after 5-6 sessions. The method she uses is directed toward restoring brain functions. Will write more next time.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Treatment with therapist started today

Yes, it is started today. I will post how it goes. Next time is on the same day next week. I am too tired now to write. I will update in a few coming days. I feel that I am going to the right direction.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Things that didn't work for me

Hi all.

Sorry for no posting for a long time. Finally I sit to make some conclusion. I tried a lot of things and methods. Basically, all of them are a "distraction" method - to make myself busy by other good things.

The hardest time for me was August, September, October. There was a break in a lectures and courses. Too much free time. My work shifts didn't fill it. No direction. No good projects to do. I slipped from steady 1 time per week of seeing porn to 2 times per week.

1. Finally, the course of lectures started. It fills some of my free time and it is interesting. 2. Finally, I have a new project to do now, very interesting. BUT ALL THESE DON'T HELP ME TO GET BACK TO 1 TIME PER WEEK! I don't even speak of quit completely!

I tried to see 2 DVD movies per week of action, shooting style, as I like - to distract myself. It didn't help for porn addiction. I tried even to buy my favorite DVDs to have it at home all the time, in case I will want to see porn - I will see these DVDs instead. Nothing, it didn't help.

I took 5 books of science fiction from a library for each weekend. 1 of them of course will be good enough to distract me. Indeed, 1 of them usually was good, even very good. After reading such book, I wanted porn as nothing happened. It didn't work, it didn't distract me at all!

One of my friends recommended to me his therapist. My friend is not addict, he visit the therapist for some other reason. He asked for me and got an answer, that yes, this therapist can treat addiction. I will try. It is a lot of money, and it is every week. I will try. Everything else didn't work. Today I will meet my friend, he will give me the therapist info and papers. Say me "good luck".

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Some news and thoughts

Hi all. Sorry for long delay. Finally I sit down and doing some updates on my blog.

Of course, frequent relapses. It sucks energy and destroys mood. But I am continue to seek directions and read new books and generate new ideas how to quit.

My 13 y.o. son broke his leg in soccer. Thanks God, it was no need for surgery, just plaster cast around his leg. We passed 12 days and changed the cast to a new one, shorter and lighter then first one. We also use natural supplement Mumie (Moomiyo) from our herbal and homeopathic doctor. We pray he will be well.

What else? I made my blog "flat", put all posts on the Home page, so everyone can see all my posts at once without looking into archives.

I read now a book about self-improvement directed to business prosperity. I will write more about it in my next post, but it is surprisingly similar to the techniques described in The Sex Addiction Workbook. It is broader and deeper and I think it will help me even more. What I need now is a "Direction, Target" in my life, that will take my whole soul with it, and indirectly will help me to quit my addiction, just because there will be very important OTHER THING in my life.

If somebody wonders why I just don't go to psychologist, I remind (I wrote about it in one of my posts) that I had a very bad story with some psychologist and my suicided friend (after a group session with this psychologist). I had hard times to quit the "soul connection" with the therapist, and I am very afraid to start any new journey with any new psychologist and even to find the good psychologist - it is a PROJECT for me. So, I stay with the books.

Ohh, I forget to mention. No money to start B.A. studies of psychology as I planned, so I delay it once more and once more. I am not sure that this is the REAL THING for me, I mean REAL profession, and not just trail of my past pain with mentioned psychologist and an attempt to replace him by myself (kind of psychoanalytic kill and replace)?

Thanks for reading. Your comments, please.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I write blog so I deserve some porn?

Interesting pattern. I feel so "good boy" because I write blog, share ideas, maybe help other people. On the top of these feelings grows some distorted logic that says me: "you are so good boy - you deserve some porn". Then I relapse.

So, it looks like blogging about porn addiction leads to more porn addiction !!??

I think that blogging is just another obsession. I will be happy to live my life completely without computer and Internet, but probably this is impossible.

I left my career in the computers field - it was destroyed by porn. I work now in "just job", low paying, but away from computer. I slowly develop my new art career of sculptor in my free time.

Blogging is the only connection to my "old career". Oh, and I need to check emails, because I receive info about exhibitions and lectures by email.

When I check email, I also read some other people blogs on our porn addiction network. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I write my own post.

I also have plans to build some good sophisticated site on porn addiction, with forum, to develop community, to put weekly scheduled chat room. To use my best knowledge and experience to build this place. But sometimes I ask myself - is it good or bad? Is it good for humankind? Is it good for me? Maybe this will continue to feed my porn addiction. Maybe it is better to stay away from the Internet.

But practically, I need the email on a weekly basis. And I like to read blogs and to write my own. Your comments please...

My next post will be about new techniques that I've learned, that helped me to stay more days without porn.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Hypnosis or Self-Hypnosis

This kind of treatment not mentioned by these two books. It surprises me. Hypnosis sometimes used by some professional psychologists. They have to have official training and license to use Hypnosis. Maybe authors of these books haven't one. But at least to mention it as an option! Or to mention it as a wrong way. Nothing. No one word about Hypnosis.

So what I've found so far... I've found the blog of one guy who succeeded to quit porn addiction with the help of Self-Hypnosis course. He relapsed after 8 moths. But it is a big success anyway. Here is the link to his blog:


I've not tried Self-Hypnosis yet, and somehow feel suspicious from this method. Maybe one day... Regards Hypnosis (not Self-Hypnosis) I feel scared, because I give somebody else the option to have full control on my unconscious, to insert into my mind something, that I don't know about it. It's pure fear. I talked with somebody who practiced Hypnosis on other people (just talked), and he told me that he never agreed to be hypnotized himself. Probably these are fear and power and control issues.

Even if Hypnosis or Self-Hypnosis can solve a problem of porn addiction, it is unlikely to be long lasting solution for somebody who suffers from very bad situation around him. I mean bad hated job, bad marriage, bad something, no future etc. If you leave a situation around you as is – you will relapse to porn, no matter how effective Self-Hypnosis or Hypnosis is.

Here is another link to Self-Hypnosis that I've found. It is about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and Self-Hypnosis techniques. NLP (as I heard) is a powerful, but short lasting technique for personality modification.


Anyway, good luck to you. If you know more details or success stories of porn addiction cured by Hypnosis or Self-Hypnosis – please let me know, leave your comments with links.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

My porn addiction weekly cycle

I clearly observe a kind of weekly cycle in my porn addiction:

1-st to 6-th day. I feel and behave like a "Normal Man". Very busy. 6 shifts per week. I can read books on my job. So I do. A new book almost each week. 1-2 evening lectures in Sociology field every week. I can use my laptop on some shifts as well (no porn at work). 4-6 hours of sculpture (hobby) every week. Household and kids issues and interactions.

At the end of 6-th day the craving for porn builds up to very high level.

7-th day. I give up and see porn for 6 hours. Then, the rest of the day I feel guilty and upset.

Sometimes I try to stay away from porn 9-10 days. What happens then? I pass 6-th day, just busing myself with sculpture or visiting friends. 7-th and 8-th days I am very nervous and can't concentrate (withdrawal symptoms). 9-th day. I give up. Then, as usual I feel upset.

See you again. Please leave your comments and questions. My next post will be about hypnosis or self-hypnosis.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I put myself into a corner

What next in improving situation around me? My marriage? My boring wife?

As I've understood it just today - I put myself into a corner. I am a son of divorced parents. And I promised to myself not to divorce no matter what – for not to do it to my kids. But today I even don't want sex with my wife!!!!!! So, where is sexual energy goes? Porn is actually my escape from this dead-end situation.

On the other hand, I was always vulnerable to porn. From the early childhood (when I was not married to my boring wife!). So, what's going on here? Am I trying to fool myself? To blame my boring wife? Should I have to try to improve our marriage? I am trying and actually improved it greatly, kids and households issues work very well. But our souls, our talk, our sex (if any) – we are not in sync. My feeling is that I am wasting my life.

Maybe your situation is different.

Thanks for visiting and reading my blog. Please leave a comment, but not moralistic one. Something you believe relates to me, but not just plain moralistic brainwashing.

Chemical Addiction

This addiction is of chemical nature, accordingly to Dr. Skinner's book “Treating Pornography Addiction”. Under the state of sexual arousal the brain produces hormones of pleasure called endorphines. Then the brain consumes this bath of endorphines cocktail. It is hard to quit this addiction, because it's actually chemical. The difference from drugs is that brain produces chemicals for itself. These are bad news.

The question is how to quit. They say that you actually will remain vulnerable to this kind of temptation forever. If you succeed to quit, this means that you have to put yourself on the watch forever. So quitting is a process, even if you succeed. As the saying goes about alcoholics “once alcoholic – always alcoholic”.

So, how to quit? You know what – buy books and read them. Not just read but apply to yourself, work accordingly to these books. Maybe you will be more successful than I was. As I understand, the magic formula is to improve the situation around you, I mean really and greatly. This can be done through steps. For me this process started from job switch. It helped me greatly and I reduced my porn use from almost everyday to once per week or even once per ten days.

What next (for me)? My marriage?

Sunday, July 15, 2007

What works for me ...

Book is over, excitement and motivation goes down ... damn relapses come. I am not so stable as in days of reading/working with the book. Today I have time/situation that allow me to summarize my thoughts and experience.

Yes, I have a lot of tools today to improve my life and situation around me. But I have no tools for "craving", strong desire, it hits me from time to time. The craving is so strong, so, so strong!!!!

So, what works for me?

I have to be extremely busy !!! No spare time !! I visited "Economy & Ecology" course weekly, I had 2-3 books handy, I took seven shifts per week on my new job, squeezing them so I had one and half free day per week (but tired like hell). And all these are away from computer. I called my 3-4 friends almost everyday. Of course, I called my wife even more. I got back to my hobby of sculpture. I was very busy most of the week and very tired in my minimal spare time. And all this was able to keep me on the 9 days clean - 10th day relapse (no more!)

I became extremely tired of this schedule and made corrections to sleep more, to rest more - six shifts per week and less nights. Cravings (and relapses) popped up instantly.

Another thing that helped was the "openness" with close friends (I told my wife the whole story long before, thanks God). Actually, all of my close friends (and wife), know today about my problem and involved into some degree of discussion. One of them even asks me by phone almost everyday - how is it going with addiction? You can't imagine how helpful it feels when you can openly tell/discuss this with close friends!! No more barriers, no more strange explanations. You know - everyone of my friends told me in exchange about his own addiction or bad habit and how he fights it.

These were things that worked (and work) for me. Hope some of you can use or recommend it to others. See you again. My next post will be about another book in this field and how it complements my understanding today.

Book is over, but addiction still here ...

Sorry to say it this way. It is emotional, you know. It sounds like anti-advertisement. Of course, I am not so stupid to think, that passing some book or course will automatically and magically make me "another person", clean from porn addiction, like a newborn.

I am not kidding, I have to go back on time-machine to earliest years, because my porn/sex addiction started at age of six (6). Early porn addiction development is not unusual case (if not a common place indeed) as I know today from the professional books on this field.

I completed this workbook in the middle of June. It was indeed very powerful, intellectual and emotional support (and hope) for me. Encouraged by this book, I quit my computer job and found something more calm, with more spare time and much more free feeling. I lowered porn use from almost every day (on my hated computer job) to relapse every 10 days, in months April - June, when I was reading this book (and writing exercises of course).

The bottom line - I am equipped much better now to continue this struggle.

I have to stop here. More thoughts and facts will come soon. Please leave your comments and questions, please... See you again and I hope this helps to somebody else on this planet to live, to change himself, to accept himself and still to try to change (but not to hate himself, not to hate). Thank you all.

It looks like we have a community !!!

Hi. Thank you all people who read my blog and especially thanks to "Choose Me Love Me", who is a wife of porn addict and our unofficial Community Leader. Please visit her blog (see Links on the right). She collected there a number of porn addicts, their wives and different perspectives. Thumbs Up!!!

Monday, May 28, 2007

Porn Addiction Self-Help 5

I am slowly proceeding, but almost completed this book. I had a relapse 9 days ago. I am now on page 188 out of 205.

My laptop computer is outside of apartment for every 8-9 days. I take it back for one evening only. I try to use the suggestions from the book before that evening.

My situation is much better today than it was 2-3 months ago.

If you post comments on my blog entries, please allow up to 9 days for comment to appear on the blog, because of my new work scheme with the laptop.

Sorry for so short text. Maybe next time I'll write more. Good luck you guys.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Porn Addiction Self-Help 4

I keep going. I am now on page 156 out of 205. I had few relapses. I will complete this book no matter what, I have 2 another books on porn addiction waiting in the line.

I've quit my computers job 3 weeks ago and I work on a simple low paying job, that allows to read books - for 2 weeks already. I have much more peace of mind now than before. Because of relapses, I decided to place my laptop computer in the storage room. I have a storage place outside of my apartment and I put my laptop there from time to time, for 3-4 days. Then I take it for one day, then I put it back in the storage room for 3 days, and so on.

I want to define the cycle of one week without laptop / one day with laptop. I can do it, but I have to complete few small remaining issues for my previous job first. After that, I really think to define such cycle and keep it. If you post comments on my blog entries, please allow 3-4 days for comment to appear on the blog, because of my new work scheme with the laptop.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Porn Addiction Self-Help 3

Today I've cleaned my apartment from porn. It was not easy. Not like to delete movies from a hard disk - I've done it several times. These were video cassettes and magazines. An old collection.

I took cassettes one by one, upside down, for not to see a title. I disassembled a cassettes and cut the tapes by knife. Without to see the titles. It was almost like to say "good bye" to the girls, whom I used to know very well. Then I took covers of cassettes, also upside down and teared them too. It was not act of aggression or anger. I just wanted to eliminate the possibility that somebody can find undamaged porn video cassette in a garbage.

Then I've put a piece of cloth on my eyes and teared all magazines into a dark nylon bag. Without to see them girls. Then I've closed the bag.

All above was 100 times emotionally harder task than to delete porn files from the hard disk. I've took 2 separate nylon bags to the garbage container outside an apartment.

I've done all this without to see them. I've knew, that a relapse was very close. But I've survived this morning.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Porn Addiction Self-Help 2

I keep going. I am now on page 85 out of 205. My life is better now. I made a number of rearrangements, inspired from this book as well. I've quit the job that I've lost interest long ago - it contributed to my porn addiction as well. I am starting on my new job these days. New job is simple, low paying, but allows to read books and think. That's what I need right now.

If somebody reads my blog, please leave me a comment. Something encouraging, just few words. Because I am in the process of hard changes now.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Porn Addiction Self-Help 1

Hi. This is my second post. I was on the page 48 out of 205, when I started this blog. Now I am on page 70. I keep going. A lot of writing work with this book. I am talking about the book on the right side of my Blog.

This is a large sized workbook, I mean school-style, where you write on pages of the book itself. A lot of writing exercises. They describe you some point, give you examples of other people stories and situations, then ask you to write your own answer (on the blank space) regards discussed point. I have to stop a lot of times. Go around to mull over what I've learned. Find my own answer and put these not easy words on paper. So, I am now on page 70 out of 205.

How I got this book? I am an Internet Porn Addict for many years. I made a lot of semi-serious attempts to quit, and even serious attempts. I am a kind of personality, who hates the whole idea of discussing my sexual stuff before a group of people. So 12 step groups are out. To tell about my problem to therapists was also very hard task. I visited a psychotherapist. He pointed me to psychiatrist to take drug treatment, the psychiatrist was as twice expensive as therapist, so I don't even tried.

Finally I found the Community Free of Charge place with psychologists and psychiatrists. I filled a forms with hundred questions and finally (very quickly indeed) got an appointment with a psychologist. They gave me a psychologist first, to decide where I belong, then accordingly to situation. If drug treatment - to psychiatrist.

So, I met a psychologist. She, oh my God, she, she, she !!! I had to talk about it to a woman. I passed through a lot of non-pleasant questions, told her my story and she suggested a "group dynamics". They had a running group already, but not for Porn Addiction specifically. I refused. She promised to think about me and how to treat me. Oh, yes, she told me - no drugs for this! "Do you think there is magic pill?" So, I waited for her call. 2 weeks. Then called their office. Talked to human secretary. Recorded a message into answering machine. Waited another 2 weeks, the same chain: talked to secretary, left a message into answering machine.

I decided to STUDY this problem myself. There are no books in the library on this specific topic. I've already read all library books on addiction, but it was about other stuff: drugs, gambling, food, alcohol etc. No books on topic!

I made a long research on Amazon, read through many readers comments and ordered 4 books at once: one book by Dr. Patrick Carnes, one by Dr. Kevin Skinner, one by some Pastor, and one by Dr. Sbraga. When books arrived - I had a brief look and here are my feelings: Carnes looks scientific, Skinner’s book has too small text font, Pastor doesn’t talked to me. The last one by Sbraga - INDEED talked to me. So, I started.

That's the story. If you going to buy this book from Amazon - buy it new! Because it contains written exercises - you don't want to read the previous reader's dirty answers (aren't you???). I don't want to tell anything negative about other 3 books, I started Sbraga's workbook first, based on my feeling. Then, I will read Skinner, then Carnes.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

The diary of Porn Addict

Hi. This blog is a diary of Internet Pornography Addict. Yes, sadly to say, but this is I am. But I don't give up. I decided to start this site as an experiment of how I can influence the situation for other people, not only myself. I will write my personal story, my various attempts.

The main focus will be on my current self-treatment method - the book mentioned on the right, that I started to use about 2-3 weeks ago. I see the signs of relief and improvement and I keep going.

In the next posts I will describe this book, meanwhile you can go directly to this book on the Amazon. I have no intention of filling this site with myriad of Google AdSense banners. I keep my focus on what works for me and recommend only one thing at a time. Your comments are very welcome.