Today I've cleaned my apartment from porn. It was not easy. Not like to delete movies from a hard disk - I've done it several times. These were video cassettes and magazines. An old collection.
I took cassettes one by one, upside down, for not to see a title. I disassembled a cassettes and cut the tapes by knife. Without to see the titles. It was almost like to say "good bye" to the girls, whom I used to know very well. Then I took covers of cassettes, also upside down and teared them too. It was not act of aggression or anger. I just wanted to eliminate the possibility that somebody can find undamaged porn video cassette in a garbage.
Then I've put a piece of cloth on my eyes and teared all magazines into a dark nylon bag. Without to see them girls. Then I've closed the bag.
All above was 100 times emotionally harder task than to delete porn files from the hard disk. I've took 2 separate nylon bags to the garbage container outside an apartment.
I've done all this without to see them. I've knew, that a relapse was very close. But I've survived this morning.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Porn Addiction Self-Help 2
I keep going. I am now on page 85 out of 205. My life is better now. I made a number of rearrangements, inspired from this book as well. I've quit the job that I've lost interest long ago - it contributed to my porn addiction as well. I am starting on my new job these days. New job is simple, low paying, but allows to read books and think. That's what I need right now.
If somebody reads my blog, please leave me a comment. Something encouraging, just few words. Because I am in the process of hard changes now.
If somebody reads my blog, please leave me a comment. Something encouraging, just few words. Because I am in the process of hard changes now.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Porn Addiction Self-Help 1
Hi. This is my second post. I was on the page 48 out of 205, when I started this blog. Now I am on page 70. I keep going. A lot of writing work with this book. I am talking about the book on the right side of my Blog.
This is a large sized workbook, I mean school-style, where you write on pages of the book itself. A lot of writing exercises. They describe you some point, give you examples of other people stories and situations, then ask you to write your own answer (on the blank space) regards discussed point. I have to stop a lot of times. Go around to mull over what I've learned. Find my own answer and put these not easy words on paper. So, I am now on page 70 out of 205.
How I got this book? I am an Internet Porn Addict for many years. I made a lot of semi-serious attempts to quit, and even serious attempts. I am a kind of personality, who hates the whole idea of discussing my sexual stuff before a group of people. So 12 step groups are out. To tell about my problem to therapists was also very hard task. I visited a psychotherapist. He pointed me to psychiatrist to take drug treatment, the psychiatrist was as twice expensive as therapist, so I don't even tried.
Finally I found the Community Free of Charge place with psychologists and psychiatrists. I filled a forms with hundred questions and finally (very quickly indeed) got an appointment with a psychologist. They gave me a psychologist first, to decide where I belong, then accordingly to situation. If drug treatment - to psychiatrist.
So, I met a psychologist. She, oh my God, she, she, she !!! I had to talk about it to a woman. I passed through a lot of non-pleasant questions, told her my story and she suggested a "group dynamics". They had a running group already, but not for Porn Addiction specifically. I refused. She promised to think about me and how to treat me. Oh, yes, she told me - no drugs for this! "Do you think there is magic pill?" So, I waited for her call. 2 weeks. Then called their office. Talked to human secretary. Recorded a message into answering machine. Waited another 2 weeks, the same chain: talked to secretary, left a message into answering machine.
I decided to STUDY this problem myself. There are no books in the library on this specific topic. I've already read all library books on addiction, but it was about other stuff: drugs, gambling, food, alcohol etc. No books on topic!
I made a long research on Amazon, read through many readers comments and ordered 4 books at once: one book by Dr. Patrick Carnes, one by Dr. Kevin Skinner, one by some Pastor, and one by Dr. Sbraga. When books arrived - I had a brief look and here are my feelings: Carnes looks scientific, Skinner’s book has too small text font, Pastor doesn’t talked to me. The last one by Sbraga - INDEED talked to me. So, I started.
That's the story. If you going to buy this book from Amazon - buy it new! Because it contains written exercises - you don't want to read the previous reader's dirty answers (aren't you???). I don't want to tell anything negative about other 3 books, I started Sbraga's workbook first, based on my feeling. Then, I will read Skinner, then Carnes.
This is a large sized workbook, I mean school-style, where you write on pages of the book itself. A lot of writing exercises. They describe you some point, give you examples of other people stories and situations, then ask you to write your own answer (on the blank space) regards discussed point. I have to stop a lot of times. Go around to mull over what I've learned. Find my own answer and put these not easy words on paper. So, I am now on page 70 out of 205.
How I got this book? I am an Internet Porn Addict for many years. I made a lot of semi-serious attempts to quit, and even serious attempts. I am a kind of personality, who hates the whole idea of discussing my sexual stuff before a group of people. So 12 step groups are out. To tell about my problem to therapists was also very hard task. I visited a psychotherapist. He pointed me to psychiatrist to take drug treatment, the psychiatrist was as twice expensive as therapist, so I don't even tried.
Finally I found the Community Free of Charge place with psychologists and psychiatrists. I filled a forms with hundred questions and finally (very quickly indeed) got an appointment with a psychologist. They gave me a psychologist first, to decide where I belong, then accordingly to situation. If drug treatment - to psychiatrist.
So, I met a psychologist. She, oh my God, she, she, she !!! I had to talk about it to a woman. I passed through a lot of non-pleasant questions, told her my story and she suggested a "group dynamics". They had a running group already, but not for Porn Addiction specifically. I refused. She promised to think about me and how to treat me. Oh, yes, she told me - no drugs for this! "Do you think there is magic pill?" So, I waited for her call. 2 weeks. Then called their office. Talked to human secretary. Recorded a message into answering machine. Waited another 2 weeks, the same chain: talked to secretary, left a message into answering machine.
I decided to STUDY this problem myself. There are no books in the library on this specific topic. I've already read all library books on addiction, but it was about other stuff: drugs, gambling, food, alcohol etc. No books on topic!
I made a long research on Amazon, read through many readers comments and ordered 4 books at once: one book by Dr. Patrick Carnes, one by Dr. Kevin Skinner, one by some Pastor, and one by Dr. Sbraga. When books arrived - I had a brief look and here are my feelings: Carnes looks scientific, Skinner’s book has too small text font, Pastor doesn’t talked to me. The last one by Sbraga - INDEED talked to me. So, I started.
That's the story. If you going to buy this book from Amazon - buy it new! Because it contains written exercises - you don't want to read the previous reader's dirty answers (aren't you???). I don't want to tell anything negative about other 3 books, I started Sbraga's workbook first, based on my feeling. Then, I will read Skinner, then Carnes.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
The diary of Porn Addict
Hi. This blog is a diary of Internet Pornography Addict. Yes, sadly to say, but this is I am. But I don't give up. I decided to start this site as an experiment of how I can influence the situation for other people, not only myself. I will write my personal story, my various attempts.
The main focus will be on my current self-treatment method - the book mentioned on the right, that I started to use about 2-3 weeks ago. I see the signs of relief and improvement and I keep going.
In the next posts I will describe this book, meanwhile you can go directly to this book on the Amazon. I have no intention of filling this site with myriad of Google AdSense banners. I keep my focus on what works for me and recommend only one thing at a time. Your comments are very welcome.
The main focus will be on my current self-treatment method - the book mentioned on the right, that I started to use about 2-3 weeks ago. I see the signs of relief and improvement and I keep going.
In the next posts I will describe this book, meanwhile you can go directly to this book on the Amazon. I have no intention of filling this site with myriad of Google AdSense banners. I keep my focus on what works for me and recommend only one thing at a time. Your comments are very welcome.
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