Sunday, December 23, 2007

Something changed in my inner workings

Hi all. Something changed. Last Thursday I had very bad mood. It was a day after therapy session. I thought: it can't work, because it not addresses really important issues. My therapist just works on my brain to restore the lost functions. She doesn't work on my family situation, on my sex life, she didn't bother herself even to ask detailed questions on the important issues.

All these thoughts resulted in a kind of very depressed mood. Few hours later, it was event on my job, that did it even worse. I walked around in the city, after work, trying to calm myself. I called and met one of my friends, then I met second friend. We talked a lot, but I didn't calm down. Lately, at home, I just went to sleep, I felt so bad.

Next day, Friday I felt just OK, like nothing happened. We had closeness and sex with my wife, first time in 2 or 3 weeks. Then I did a lot of home work and repairs etc. Friday and Saturday I slept a lot.

Just today, Sunday, I realized what it was! This bad mood were withdrawal symptoms, but it passed without porn. I didn't want porn that day. The porn didn't even come to my mind that day.

Today I bought a beer, a smocked tune and the whole family watched DVD at evening. I sipped a beer, I gave sliced pieces of smocked tune to my kids and wife, everyone enjoyed. I don't even remember, when I last time enjoyed beer before! The porn replaced everything.

I don't know how it works, but I suppose it is because of therapy. Today was a great evening. Of course, the mind about porn came to me today's evening as well, but there were a lot of other good things around. I hope, it will continue at least as it goes now.

As I feel today, it is not about self-control, as I talked in my previous posts. It is about some inner change. I hope, it will continue.

Bioship_Pal, another fighting porn addict, found my blog and started his own here:, welcome aboard.


Torah and Internet Addiction said...

Glad to hear that you are progressing in your recovery efforts.

Keep up the good work!

Torah and Internet Addiction said...

Hey SawBlogger,

I am curious to know why you have chosen a female therapist for your sexual addiction sessions.

I would think that I woman would not be able to relate to this sort of problem as well as a man would.

???? ... your thoughts

Sawblogger said...

I needed a reference from somebody, who I can trust. I don't want to pick up a PhoneBook, open section "Psychologists" and make a cold calls.

I knew that one of my friends regularly visit a therapist, I don't even knew who is this therapist - male or female. So, my friend asked her about addictions and she answered that she treats it as well.

I don't have a mental barrier to talk about this problem to people, no matter males or females. I had such barrier in the past, but after a long struggle I started to tell to my friends, wife.

Re: personal relation or understanding of this problem by male or female therapist - there is almost NO such thing among professionals. They study it at University as a science, breaked down to different parts, pieces. They study the relations between the pieces and what can go wrong there. They study which buttons should be pushed (and how) to change the relations between some pieces.

Perhaps, there is one difference between male and female therapists.

Male therapists prefer "mind" methods: talk, think, ask, answer, think, logic, early memories, explanations, talk, ask, logic, logic trap, break the trap. Cognitive therapy or Analysis. Or hypnosis (which I absolutely hate and afraid for).

Female therapists may use all above because it is a standard. But they are naturally more open to try "body" methods (as opposite to "mind"): special breath, special postures, questions like "what part of your body do you feel and how, when I am asking you this question" etc.

Males are more "mind" oriented and females are more "feel" oriented and this is translated into difference in the therapy methods they prefer to use. Of course, this is some generalisation and maybe an exceptions among professionals.

And a last point. A male therapist for me can be an additional problem, because I grew in divorced family. I was an infant when my parents divorced. Since that I tend to develop so called "father role models" from each significant male teacher or authority in my life. I idealize them and connects to them to much, and then I depend from their opinions etc. So, I am personally prefer to stay away from male teachers, gurus, mentors etc (based on negative experience).

One more issue to consider, when choosing a therapist. There is one important side effect, that can be generated from the therapy - so called "transference" or attachment. It can lead to a falling in love or love affair with therapist in worst cases. A professional therapist must to know how to manage this and how to reduce or avoid it.

I tried to overview here the majority of aspects re: male or female therapist.

thefightofourlife said...

Sawblogger -

Thanks for the comments on my site. Keep up the good work in therapy and maybe blogging can be your new hobby.


Rae said...

Thanks for checking in on my blog. Sounds like you are doing some good work. Glad to hear things are changing on the inside of you!